Screaming Into My Pillow - Resolution 2010

I wrote this a few weeks ago, but January has sort of been a whirlwind, and internet access has been slim and limited. Here it is though... a bit belated:


2009 was quite a year! For its first six months, I spent all my time and energy outside of work to create “Love Story Soundtrack,” and make it come to life on stage with a small and incredible group of gorgeous people. In between rehearsals, I did my best to soak up lovely Montreal, going out to dine, to drink, to spend time with my friends despite my need to save money for my upcoming travels – I was wrapping up my life in Montreal… and it was no time to waste it by being a cheap hermit. Then, before I knew it, I was on a van packed with the remaining of my things, on a road trip back to Toronto with Louis, leaving behind many cherished memories, many special patches of grass, benches and balconies… but I knew - it was time to move on. After one incredible week in Toronto spent with Jane, Alex, Louis and all my dear friends from T.Dot, I was off to Taiwan to spend a week with mom and dad. I never had a moment to realize that I had just thrown everything up into thin air, not knowing what was going to fall into my arms in the next… the next… day? Week? Year? Eternity?

I remember arriving on Koh San Road, alone with my backpack, being greeted by touts after touts, asking me if I needed a room, asking me where I was from, shouting “Canada!” at me (after seeing the flag sewed on my bag)… and me, trying to not look like a first time traveler, like I was rushing past them... smiling, saying hello back, trying to figure out who I could trust. I walked into a few hostels, saw a few horrible rooms for prices that seemed much higher than what I had expected. Somehow, I knew I could find better… and yet, I still doubted whether my expectations were realistic – I had never been in Thailand before, after all. Soon enough though, I found myself a room, and headed off to lunch. Sitting alone, I looked around me to find friendly faces to approach… but alas. I had finished my lunch and no one had even said a single word to me. Fortunately, I spotted a couple from England and ended up spending the day with them, visiting the wats of Bangkok. After we separated that afternoon, I never ran into them again. We had plans to meet up again at a bar at 7pm, but somehow, we missed each other. Though if I hadn’t been alone at the time, I would not have met Lawton and Mark, with whom I spent the next ten blissful days. Then, as we sadly went our separate ways, I was on my own again in Borneo... but only for a couple of days. Soon, I had met Marie, Jack and Adrian, and Amanda, Erik and Stephen… and the list went on and on. The next chapter was going to be Indonesia, and I was lucky that Jack wanted to tag along. Soon, another wave of adventure began, and I met another herd of incredible travelers. Within five months spent in South East Asia, I had met more strangers than I had in my entire life and come to trust many of them with my life within hours of learning their names. It was incredible. While backpacking, everybody looked out for each other. Why couldn’t we have that kind of trust and generosity while living in our comfortable homes? Why do we have so much less to give when we live more stable lives?

In the last six months of 2009, I lived a life where no day was planned and spontaneous decisions were always possible. Why couldn’t we go to Vietnam instead of Burma? Why couldn’t we leave this town in two hours as opposed to two days? If something wasn’t right, there was always an alternative, there was always a way to choose the better option. I was lucky, as well, to have found Jack; a fun fellow traveler who wanted to travel the same way as I did, who became a good friend, who became a crush, who became a boyfriend. Now, six months after I've left home, I am sitting in the Southern hemisphere, living with Jack, working as a waitress to replenish my bank account… pondering what the next year will bring.

Already, I know that I will be back in Canada by June, after a year of travels. Already, I roughly know what the next six months will have in store for me… and I can’t wait to experience it all! But when I get back to Canada to start a life in Toronto, a whole new world will begin once more…

I’ve learned many things in 2009, and if there’s one thing I must single out, it is that it is possible to live the life that you want, to make choices and changes, no matter how crazy they are, that make you happy. At the end of the day, it is your life. And you must be in control of how you are living it.

So my resolution for 2010 is simply to focus. Focus on myself, on what I want, what I want to achieve… on my own dreams, on being happy. And here are a few things that, I believe, will help me achieve it:

- Forget limits. It’s so easy to suffocate your decisions with limits when living in a routine life. But the truth is – anything is possible. You can live in Madagascar if you want to. You can quit your job... you can even quit your career. You can learn how to ski. It’s possible. You just have to decide to do it… Just gotta remember – you actually do have control of your life.

- Treat everybody as equals. No matter how old or how young they are, no matter if it’s your superior or subordinate, treat everybody as your equal. Bosses have no right to talk down to you and you have no right to talk down to subordinates. We all have stories, we all have lives… we all have families, personal issues, bad days, past achievements… It’s incredibly silly how easily people can forget that we are all, actually, human beings. By treating everybody as equals, you remember that you have important things to offer, you stop feeling guilty about making decisions like saying not saying “yes” all the time, you become more compassionate, more understanding and more trusting, you realize that you can be yourself all the time, and basically, you learn to respect everybody around you, and most importantly, you learn to respect yourself.

- Screw fear! This one’s gonna be a tough one… but screw decisions like taking a long-term job out of fear of not finding one that you actually want, doing something you don’t want to do because you are afraid of hurting somebody else’s feelings (trust me, being honest is usually best for everybody, even if it means hurting somebody… the damage will be greater if you lie to yourself and the other person involved!) or keep pushing back decisions, aspirations or projects… fearing that you might fail. And evidently, the list goes on…

- Get priorities straight. Health and safety come before work. No matter how busy life gets, quality time with family and friends (even if they will always be there for you) is absolutely mandatory. Life is about the people that you love who love you back. It’s about the little things that make you smile and the big deals that make you jump up for joy. It’s about being so excited that you have to scream into your pillow… and ultimately, it’s about knowing that you can make the decisions to lead you to just that – screaming into your pillow.

So, there you have it. In 2010, I’m going to strive to not be afraid, to stop setting obstacles for myself, to respect everybody I encounter… and basically, to focus on who I am, on the things and the people that I love so dearly, and to find that my happiness will essentially, come screaming from within me, straight into my trusted pillow.

Lines

Perfect lines.
Spots, for everything.
Couches, pillows, not to be wrinkled.
A single crumb? Unacceptable.
Here's the drill.
Steps 1, 2, 3.
Smiles after prosecutions.
Measurements.
Timed.
For the record.
Reasons, for everything.
Reasons? Or excuses...
But.. it wasn't me.
Home?
Please, make yourself feel at home.

The Smell of Green Grass

Getting acquainted with green grass again. Sitting in the sun, with a cup of espresso. Maybe a glass of wine later. Though a cold beer seems more appropriate. On my patio facing the alleyway. A moment alone, grinning at the world.

Like These Rainy Days

This is the type of rainy day where you can stand in the doorway of your balcony, sipping fresh coffee, watching the clouds watering the city, giving life to the budding trees. It feels quiet. It's the type of day where you wear your raincoat and watch the drops hanging on to the rims of your raincoat hood, blink when some of them let go, then giggle at yourself for this silly fascination. You remember to breathe in, and the air tastes so fresh in your lungs. It feels healthy. You think, I'd like to go sit in the thick fog that's engulfing the mountain this morning. Getting home, you notice that the back of your pants are wet from splashes of your own footsteps and you think about changing into dry and clean clothes. But before you get dressed again, you realize that the idea of taking a hot shower is marvelous and you grab your towel instead. It's just that type of day. You open up the curtains to let the cloudy sunlight in, lie in bed and stare out the window. You close your eyes to listen to the rain... and maybe doze off. When you wake up, you stay in bed, or slip under a blanket on the couch. Time for another hot beverage. Maybe a hot chocolate this time. Curling up in a comfortable chair, wrapping both hands around your big hot mug, holding it close to your lips as you softly blow your drink to cool it down... staring out the window, you think, I like this type of rainy day.

May I Have Some Cheese, Please?

I just want to eat cheese with you. And talk about my day, about your day. Especially about your day. I'd know all the details from yesterday so you wouldn't have to start from the beginning. Just following up, every day. I can't believe that's what she did. I'm glad that he came through for you. It was about time they replaced those green coffee mugs on that second super gross stained shelf in the kitchen.

It's nice to be with you. Nice, for the lack of a better word. You are my world. All my troubles fade away when I'm with you. It's nice to be able to say these amazingly cheesy things to you. To have you snicker at me, at the corners of your lips, and yet, know... there's a lot of truth in those words.

Soon

The weather's getting warmer and I'm switching my winter coat for a lighter jacket. I'm gonna be able to go sit and read in the park, soon.

The birds are chirping. That always makes me want to laugh out loud. It's almost time for the city to be painted green with baby grass and baby leafs. We're gonna be able to eat and drink on a Montreal patio, soon.

The spring is coming and you and you and you... are leaving me, soon.

So scared and so excited. I suppose I will be leaving this, soon, too.

Good Night

I never take care of my hair. I want coffee mug rings on my new wooden shelf. Or wine glass rings... they seem romantic to me - aren't they to you? I'd like to sit by the fire in a big old stained sweater. I'd also like to fall asleep now. And for once, I'd like to not dream. I'd like to sleep, and wake up when I'm ready, breathe in... satiated with rest. I'm curious about frogs. Or at least I am at this very moment.

Arms to Sleep In

Would you lie next to me
Let my head find its spot on your shoulder
As if custom made for me

Would you wrap your arm around me
Let me lay cradled on your side
Slow down my breath and close my eyes

Would you kiss my hair
Let me fall gently asleep...
I promise to meet you in my dreams

Would you have arms for me to sleep in
A cozy nook molded perfectly for me
Where I can fade away
Just from a single brush of your lips

The Universe

The universe has a way of making things happen. I took some time off from the world, and now that I'm ready to run forward again, the universe is helping me make it happen.

Isn't that such a sweet and easy explanation for it all?

Or maybe... it's just me. Just me finally going out there and making it happen. Or maybe... it's been happening all along, and I just wasn't able to appreciate any of it.

Who knows, really. But why must we always be asking this question?

To figure out how to hang on to that giggle in your stomach that puts a smile on your face and prompts your heart to race... Sounds about right.

Then again, if it is the universe... how do you hang on to that?

I'll Be Just Fine 2009

I'm sure "fine" and "09" will be paired together in more ways than we'd like for the next 300 days or so. But I thought I'd use it now before it gets... on our nerves. =p

Well truth is, I thought for a while about what I oughta write for my annual "Happy New Year" entry, but finally, I decided that heck, it's just another year.

As midnight hits and the new year begins, it seems as if everything lifts somehow. This year, I felt the air become crisper, the sky become farther.. and the world become so much bigger.

It's another year. I have absolutely no idea what is in store for me this time around. Though as I look back, I know I've experienced and learned a great deal of unexpected things in each passing year, so what's the use in planning or worrying about what's next? Whatever's gonna happen... is gonna happen.

All I have left to do is to be open to everything I will encounter. I'll try to try more. To be more excited. To get myself in scary situations. To get my heart racing... for any reason.

The important thing is, I know that whatever happens this year, I know I'll be just fine. And hopefully, by the next countdown, I will be more wise, more humble, more calm and more grateful.

I'm looking forward to it.

Look How Far We've Come

I look back on all the ups and downs that you and I have gone through, and sometimes think to myself - "Did we really go through that? Was that really you and me?"

Year after year after year go by... all within the blink of an eye. Or at least that's how it feels like when we finally notice it. And then, within the next second, we can reminisce and realize - "Wow, we've known each other for a looong time."

Next, we realize that it really was you and me, that it really is you and me. It really was you and me that went through those times of utter awkwardness, those times where we couldn't or didn't even want to speak to each other, where we questioned our friendship and whether we would survive this. It also really was you and me who laughed till we couldn't breathe, who sat with each other while we cried and who shared secrets because we saw real friends in each other.

That's why you and me are who and where we are today.

That's also why, thinking back on those moments of utter awkwardness, I can remind myself that... because we care about each other, this too shall and will pass.

Speak Your Heart

And someone will listen... eventually.

I Don't Know

But I will figure it out. At least I know that.

In Barely Two Heartbeats

Funny how one single passing thought can change the lighting of your entire day.

Are You The Favorite Person of Anybody?

Booboo

Remember when we were four.. or five or six or seven years old, and we were always so eager to show off our booboos? Look at this scratch, this bruise, this scar - the bigger they were, the better. Hey, look what I've overcome!

Since when did we stop being proud of our booboos?

October 1st

An old song on my guitar
Me, wrapped in my big sweater
A tall glass of steamed milk
With a pinch of sugar
A small autumn leaf
Words, well thought out
A happy and quiet smile
Here comes tomorrow

Always Learning About You

People come and go from our lives. Some stay only through one, or maybe two chapters of our lives and are forever gone. And some come back - for another short while, or forever. Others... stick around. They're merely strangers who somehow happen to become your friends after years of running into each other. Or friends who become best friends. Or best friends who become family. Or family who become best friends.

Why do people connect with you at one point, but not at another? Why do some acquaintances stay in our lives for years, while loved ones leave? Why do friendships fade away? Why can people stay in love, while others can't?

How it all happens, I don't know. Do I believe in fate? In happenstance? In serendipity? In coincidence? In right place at the right time? Maybe it doesn't matter. The only important thing, I suppose... is that it happens.

I have people in my life who have come and gone. And come back again. I have people in my life who have stuck around. Who have gotten close to me, who I've connected with. But at times we come to a lull, where things aren't clicking as easily... and then, things tend to pick up again, especially with my dearest friends. Truthfully, it's all that back and forth that's kept it so worthwhile.

I know I'm always learning from people around me. Friends who have gone from my life sometimes come back to offer so much insight. They're so familiar, and yet so new. Their changes make you learn about them, from them... and about yourself. Friends who have stuck around offer even more insight. Even after you think you know your closest friends inside out, you continue to get a better understanding of who they are with everyday that goes by. New things happen to everybody each day, changing us and shaping us little by little - and it's noticing and keeping up with the new tid bits of one another in each new situation, no matter how little they are, that's the challenge, and the reward.

Maybe it's been more obvious to me lately, as the people around me are growing more and more into themselves. Maybe it's the twenties. But I'd like to believe that this growth of ourselves within each other... will go on always.

So, dear friends who have played such important parts in my life, I shall never take you for granted and always keep learning about you. You're becoming more whole to me each time we're together. And those who have left me thus far, whether we've exchanged only two words, or shared two years of memories, I look forward to the possibility of getting to know you better again. Because who knows...? Until the day I breathe my last breath, you and I might meet again.

When Mothers Cry

When mothers cry, it seems like something must be terribly wrong, no matter the reason. It feels like there is nothing you can do, but only to embrace them.

When mothers cry, it seems like love is overflowing through their eyes. It's as if they are unable to contain it - this feeling only they can understand.

When mothers cry, it seems like a piece of you gets lost, or flies to them, though unsure if it helps them at all, or if it just vanishes somewhere in the universe.

When mothers cry, it seems like I cannot help it either. That same knot returns to my stomach, rises up to my throat, and finally turns into salty water running down my cheeks.

My Shelves of Memories

I am not tucking anything away. Not packing any cardboard boxes. Not locking anything up. Not throwing out keys.

I am who I am for all the events, all the people and all the emotions of my precious goodnights.

I am simply placing each moment, along with all its splashes of sadness and happiness, onto my shelves of memories. I am placing them there, where I can reach for them whenever I need... some, more often than others.

I am not going to try forgetting. To get a new canvas. To put them completely behind me.

I am placing each moment onto my shelves of memories... with my favourite ones on the top shelf, too!